Key Ingredients for Building a Lasting Loving Relationship

– The Essentials

Too often, people enter new relationships without really knowing the other person or assessing whether they’re personally ready and/or compatible for a long-term, conscious relationship.

An important aspect for any couple is to gain clarity about what they need in order to feel safe, open, valued, and cherished. We can refer to these needs as The Essentials.

The following points offer an invitation for you and your partner to invest time exploring such essential needs, getting curious about what is most important to you at this time in your life to create a lasting loving relationship.

Once you have created your list, consider printing it, and placing it in eye view with the agreement that you will both honour the agreed upon points and hold one another accountable (in gentle, respectful ways) should either slip into speaking words or engaging in behaviours that might sabotage said points etc.

Remember, being in a relationship means being part of a team, which involves working together to achieve goals, supporting each other’s dreams, and celebrating wins and perceived loses. When life happens, and arguments and misattunements arise, a gentle reminder that it’s you and your significant other facing the problem, not you against the other. Just saying…

The Essentials…

  1. Physical and Emotional Safety
    • Feeling Safe and Secure: Both partners should feel physically, emotionally, and mentally safe in the relationship. This includes safety from emotional manipulation, physical harm, or degrading behaviour.
    • No Toxic Dynamics: Relationships should be free from abuse, controlling behaviours, or unhealthy power dynamics.
    • Taking responsibility for one’s energy and moods: to not project blame, shame, criticism, humiliation, or stone wall, or throw anger or expectations onto the other person.
  1. Open and Honest Communication
    • Transparency: Being able to share your thoughts, feelings, and concerns openly without fear of judgment or rejection.
    • Active Listening: Truly hearing each other, not just waiting for your turn to speak. This means understanding each other’s perspective, even when you don’t agree.
    • Vulnerability: creating an environment that feels safe enough to express your true self, including fears, dreams, and insecurities.
  1. Mutual Respect
    • Value Each Other’s Boundaries: Understanding and honouring physical, emotional, and mental boundaries is crucial. Respecting individuality and independence within the relationship.
    • Equal Partnership: Both partners should feel valued, and decisions should be made collaboratively, not in a way that one person dominates.
    • Respect each other’s need for individuality, alone time, creativity, friendships:
    • Independence and space: While being in a relationship, it’s vital to continue growing as individuals, maintaining friendships, hobbies, and activities outside the relationship to maintain personal identity, and also supporting each other in pursuing personal goals and dreams, while also nurturing the relationship.
  1. Trust and Reliability
    • Building Trust Over Time: Trust grows with consistent, dependable behaviour. It’s not something that happens overnight but is built through actions and reliability.
    • Keeping Promises: If you say you’re going to do something, follow through. Trust thrives on small, everyday actions.
  1. Emotional Support
    • Being There for Each Other: Offering a shoulder to lean on during tough times and celebrating victories together.
    • Empathy: Being able to understand and share the emotions of your partner, showing care for their feelings.
  1. Physical and Emotional Intimacy
    • Physical Affection: This can range from hand-holding to simply sitting close. Affection builds connection and reinforces emotional bonds.
    • Emotional Closeness: Feeling safe to share your innermost thoughts, and being able to support each other emotionally, even through hard or uncomfortable topics.
  1. Conflict Resolution Skills
    • Addressing Issues Directly: Avoiding passive-aggressive behaviour or bottling up emotions. When conflicts arise, developing the ability to approach them calmly and respectfully.
    • Finding Solutions Together: Disagreements are inevitable, but healthy relationships focus on finding solutions together rather than assigning blame.
    • Viewing any issue as a two-person challenge to find a solution.
  1. Shared Values and Goals, and to have a Compatible Spiritual Path
    • A desire to grow together: This includes to be available and committed to connect and communicate.
    • Sexual exclusivity: to protect the relational space from any outside (e.g., individuals who may show interest) or internal (e.g., porn) influences.
    • Alignment on Core Beliefs: Having similar values, goals, and visions for the future strengthens a relationship. This doesn’t mean you need to agree on everything, but shared priorities, especially on big life issues (like family, career, or finances), help the relationship stay aligned.
    • Support for Each Other’s Dreams: Encouraging each other’s personal and professional aspirations and working toward mutual goals.
  1. Appreciation and Gratitude
    • Recognising Each Other’s Efforts: Taking the time to express gratitude for the things your partner does, both big and small, fosters love and respect.
    • Celebrating Each Other: Actively acknowledging each other’s strengths, accomplishments, and contributions to the relationship.
  1. Fun and Playfulness, and Common Activities to Share
    • Laughter and Shared Joy: Enjoying each other’s company and having fun together is vital to keeping a relationship alive and vibrant. Shared humour and lightness create a deeper connection.
    • Spontaneity: Keeping things exciting and fresh by occasionally doing new things together, whether it’s a surprise date, a trip, or simply trying something new at home.
  1. Commitment
    • Dedication to the Relationship: Committing to work through challenges and prioritize the relationship even when times get tough.
    • Mutual Growth: Both partners are committed to growing together—emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually—so that the relationship evolves in a healthy way.
  1. Mutual Accountability
    • Taking Responsibility: Being accountable for your actions and being willing to own up to mistakes. Healthy relationships don’t involve blaming one person for everything but instead focus on mutual growth and responsibility.

Final Thoughts

While we’re not aiming for perfection, most individuals have not chosen each other with these considerations in mind. By inviting such qualities into discussion, individuals can become more aware of and share their essential needs to help create deeper understanding, connection and intimacy, and to cultivate a long-lasting and fulfilling partnership.

How do you think these values show up in your own relationships?