Behaviour Patterns to Avoid in a Loving Relationship – The Non-Negotiables

Behaviour patterns to Avoid in a Loving Relationship

– The Non-Negotiables

In a conscious relationship, to create and sustain love, trust, and safety, and to enable intimacy and vulnerability, it is essential to develop healthy habits, behaviours, and communication skills that promote mutual respect, understanding, and growth.

Every individual has certain core needs that, if met, can support that individual to flourish (The Essentials) and for that same individual, there are other factors that if present (The Non-Negotiables) can cause an individual to crumble. It is no different in relationship.

The following points are an offering for you to explore with your partner to support you in creating your own Essentials and Non-Negotiables lists that you need to flourish.

As you read through the lists, considering asking yourselves, “What did you or did you not resonate with? What do you sense are the most important to you and why? What, if any, are you currently tolerating and why? Are there any other points you would like to remove or add to the list, and why?”

Once you have created your lists, consider printing them, and then co-agreeing to holding each other accountable to honour the agreed upon points (and love and commitment to one another) for a thirty-day period (as a baseline.) Next, place the lists in eyeshot where you can both peruse them daily, and then arrange intervals during each week to connect and discuss any wins that you may want to acknowledge and celebrate, and any challenges that you may wish to explore further or gain additional support with.

1. Disrespecting Boundaries

• • Why: Everyone has different emotional, physical, and mental boundaries. Ignoring these can lead to resentment, discomfort, and a breakdown in trust.
  • What to avoid: Overstepping personal space, ignoring emotional needs, or pressuring the other person to do things they aren’t comfortable with.

2. NOT having Difficult Conversations

• • Why: Avoiding conflict or difficult topics may seem like it keeps the peace, but it often leads to unresolved issues that can accumulate and erode the relationship.
  • What to avoid: Ignoring problems, bottling up emotions, or letting things fester until they explode later.

3. Gaslighting or Manipulation

• • Why: Gaslighting (making someone question their reality or feelings) or manipulation undermines trust and creates an unhealthy power dynamic.
  • What to avoid: Lying, twisting the truth, or making your partner feel crazy or irrational for their emotions or perceptions.

4. Taking Each Other for Granted

• • Why: Relationships need ongoing care and appreciation. When one or both partners stop showing appreciation, the bond can become strained.
  • What to avoid: Not expressing gratitude for small gestures or taking their time and effort for granted.

5. Chronic Criticism

• • Why: Criticizing a partner constantly, especially in a demeaning or unsupportive way, chips away at their self-esteem.
  • John and Julie Gottman (The Gottman Institute): research the four horsemen: criticism, contempt, stone walling, and defensiveness.
  • What to avoid: Always pointing out flaws or mistakes without offering constructive feedback or encouragement.

6. Lack of Personal Responsibility

• • Why: Maturity in a relationship involves being able to own up to your actions and mistakes.
  • What to avoid: Blaming your partner for everything, deflecting responsibility, or failing to acknowledge your own contributions to issues.

7. Emotional Dependency

• • Why: While emotional support is crucial, relying on your partner for all your emotional needs can be overwhelming and unhealthy.
  • What to avoid: Expecting your partner to “fix” you or always be the one to make you feel happy or validated.

8. Ignoring Growth and Change

• • Why: People evolve over time, and a mature relationship should support individual growth and change. Stagnation or resistance to personal development can lead to dissatisfaction.
  • What to avoid: Holding onto outdated expectations, trying to control or limit your partner’s growth, or resisting change in yourself.

9. Lack of Transparency or Honesty

• • Why: Without honesty, trust will deteriorate, and the relationship may lose its foundation.
  • What to avoid: Hiding things from your partner, whether it’s about feelings, experiences, or personal matters, or being dishonest to avoid discomfort.

10. Jealous or Controlling Behaviour

• • Why: Healthy relationships require trust and respect for each other’s autonomy. Jealousy and control often come from insecurity and can stifle personal freedom.
  • What to avoid: Monitoring your partner’s every move, isolating them from friends or family, or becoming overly possessive.

11. Not Supporting Each Other’s Independence

• • Why: A healthy relationship includes room for both partners to pursue their interests, friendships, and personal growth outside of the relationship.
  • What to avoid: Restricting your partner’s freedom, becoming overly clingy, or neglecting your own independence in the process.

12. Avoiding Vulnerability

• • Why: Vulnerability fosters deeper connection. If you don’t allow yourself to be vulnerable, the relationship can lack emotional depth.
  • What to avoid: Keeping everything surface-level, never sharing fears or insecurities, or avoiding deep emotional intimacy.

13. Using the Silent Treatment

• • Why: Withholding communication is often a passive-aggressive tactic that leaves issues unresolved and fosters resentment.
  • What to avoid: Shutting down communication instead of engaging in open, honest dialogue when upset.

14. Ignoring Physical Affection

• • Why: Physical affection is an important part of emotional intimacy and bonding. A lack of touch or affection can lead to feelings of emotional neglect.
  • What to avoid: Withdrawing from physical intimacy or neglecting affection because you’re “too busy” or just don’t feel like it.

15. Taking Responsibility for Things That Aren’t Yours

• • Why: You can’t control your partner’s actions, feelings, or life experiences, and it’s not healthy to assume responsibility for things beyond your control.
  • What to avoid: Trying to fix or control your partner’s emotions or mistakes instead of respecting their autonomy.

16. Being Stubborn and Unwilling to Compromise

• • Why: A mature relationship requires flexibility and a willingness to meet each other halfway.
  • What to avoid: Always sticking to your side of an argument without being open to your partner’s perspective or finding a compromise.

17. Prioritising Being Right Over Connection

• • Why: Constantly needing to be right can create an adversarial relationship instead of a cooperative one. Connection should be the ultimate goal.
  • What to avoid: Focusing on “winning” arguments instead of valuing the relationship and working together to resolve conflict.

18. Bringing Up Past Mistakes or Arguments

• • Why: Constantly rehashing past issues prevents both partners from moving forward and healing. It creates unnecessary tension and prevents progress.
  • What to avoid: Holding onto past mistakes or bringing up old arguments during new discussions.

19. Failing to Make Time for Each Other

• • Why: Relationships need regular quality time to thrive. Neglecting each other because of busy schedules or distractions leads to distance.
  • What to avoid: Not prioritizing your partner or your relationship, leading to emotional disconnection over time.

20. Allowing Resentment to Build

• • Why: Unspoken resentment poisons a relationship over time. Addressing issues as they arise helps maintain clarity and emotional health.
  • What to avoid: Letting small grievances or unspoken issues grow into larger, more damaging resentments.

Final Thoughts

In a healthy, conscious relationship, the invitation is for both individuals to commit to growth, communicating openly, respecting each other’s individuality, and working together to nurture mutual love and understanding.